Tonight I’m lying in bed and listening to Midsommer Murders on low volume and the summer thunderstorms rolling outside. Hubby is snoring softly as well and the baby monitor hums. This is my quiet time and I embrace it fully.
I always use this time to try to wind down; stop my silly overachieving brain from replaying the conversations and events of the day. Some days are easier than others. Today I can’t help but think about an extremely minor argument (if you can even call it that) with my husband who seemed pouty that my daughter and I weren’t going off for the weekend. Of course, I was offended by this because I felt as though he just didn’t want us around. However, after we were discussed it further and he mentioned that I didn’t understand because I can barely take 8 hrs without LiL Bit some days. I surprised both of us when I ended up blurting out that I could completely understand wanting a little alone time because sometimes I could use some myself.
Have you ever had that moment when, during an argument or conversation, you don’t even realize you’ve said something that you’ve been feeling but never really put words to? I realize at that moment that this situation happens to me a lot. Please don’t think I’m painting myself as a martyr because I hardly think of myself that way but I will say I tend to put me last on my list of priorities–usually because of mommy guilt. In that moment I realized that I really would also love to have a few hours to myself at home to get some things (or even nothing) accomplished but that I never ask for them unlike hubby because I don’t want to be a bad mom. In truth, I know I would probably be a more patient mother if I afforded myself this opportunity but that’s usually more in hindsight.
Ultimately, the whole experience and this nighttime “quiet” has made me realize that sometimes I can have tunnel-vision when it comes to the way I think my husband’s mind works. I should also be a little more open with communicating my needs. I’m trying to convince myself that although I always love my daughter, it’s also ok if I don’t spend every moment of my free time with her. Well it’s a work in progress anyway..