Quiet Time, Me Time

Tonight I’m lying in bed and  listening to Midsommer Murders on low volume and the summer thunderstorms rolling outside. Hubby is snoring softly as well and the baby monitor hums. This is my quiet time and I embrace it fully. 

I always use this time to try to wind down; stop my silly overachieving brain from replaying the conversations and events of the day. Some days are easier than others. Today I can’t help but think about an extremely minor argument (if you can even call it that) with my husband who seemed pouty that my daughter and I weren’t going off for the weekend. Of course, I was offended by this because I felt as though he just didn’t want us around. However, after we were discussed it further and he mentioned that I didn’t understand because I can barely take 8 hrs without LiL Bit some days. I surprised both of us when I ended up blurting out that I could completely understand wanting a little alone time because sometimes I could use some myself.

 Have you ever had that moment when, during an argument or conversation, you don’t even realize you’ve said something that you’ve been feeling but never really put words to? I realize at that moment that this situation happens to me a lot. Please don’t think I’m painting myself as a martyr because I hardly think of myself that way but I will say I tend to put me last on my list of priorities–usually because of mommy guilt. In that moment I realized that I really would also love to have a few hours to myself at home to get some things (or even nothing) accomplished but that I never ask for them unlike hubby because I don’t want to be a bad mom. In truth, I know I would probably be a more patient mother if I afforded myself this opportunity but that’s usually more in hindsight. 

Ultimately, the whole experience and this nighttime “quiet” has made me realize that sometimes I can have tunnel-vision when it comes to the way I think my husband’s mind works. I should also be a little more open with communicating my needs. I’m trying to convince myself that although I  always love my daughter, it’s also ok if I don’t spend every moment of my free time with her. Well it’s a work in progress anyway..

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You can’t go back…and you probably shouldn’t

I really try to be more present in my day but like everyone else my mind drifts from time to time. Lately I’ve been kind of missing my labor and delivery nurse days. I always felt getting to be present when people were having their babies was a little of a privilege. Don’t think I don’t realize I’m romanticizing it a little in hindsight because, believe me, I remember the bad days. Short staffing, administration micromanaging something they have no idea about, being the charge nurse and feeling like you wanted to scream “there’s-no- room-at-the-inn!” every time a big storm rolled through the area….these things I remember clearly and definitely DO NOT MISS.

On the other hand, I also do not think I want to go back to having to look like I’m “sitting on my butt” because I’m watching a sketchy fetal heart rate strip warily and the med-surg nurses who come by to borrow supplies look at me with thinly veiled jealousy. But helping a new mom breastfed for the first time or teaching a nervous new dad how to give the baby a bath and change a diaper–those are the things I miss. Also on nights when we weren’t catching babies like hot-potatoes and we had a mom whose husband was deployed or who was just exhausted and wanted a short nap and we were able to sit in the nursery for a little while and rock/cuddle that wee little person–so fresh and new to this world–well you get where I’m going with that.

The face of healthcare today is way different than it used to be when I romanticized my role of NP. I still get a few of those moments where I get those little ones who are actually excited to come to the “dokers office” to see “Miss Kim” and who act like you’ve given them a million dollars when you find an Elsa sticker or a star sparkly ring. That kind of sweet moment makes up for those days when you think that you will be up all week until midnight, every night, charting, when you feel rushed because your schedule is full, have to call 4 parents about labs and read 5 referral notes and you have no MA… I’m hoping I can start keeping tabs of more moments that are happy with this blog but I can’t and probably shouldn’t go back to being a floor nurse at this point in my life. (My husband would also probably have a near stroke if I even suggested this because of my student loans.) Instead, what I want to do is try to focus on all the good about what I do and to be grateful for those things.

Ever Erratic Empress….

Two post in two days! Wow! 🙂

So you know those days when you spend more time with the children in the clinic than with your own child? Yup, been there done that again today. For some reason–let’s blame it on the gloomy weather–I’ve been riddled with mom-guilt today. Working in a smaller city that is hometown for my husband and semi-hometown to myself, I run into people that often ask how my family is doing and how big the baby is getting and such. While I do like this aspect of being a local primary care provider (one too many episodes of Doc Martin prior to and during graduate school) sometimes it makes me dreadfully homesick. You would think after 2 years I would be a little more used to the schedule but I’m not.

Something I will have been doing to help is to try to make sure I’m more present when I am with her. I want to hear what her little mind is thinking, how her day went. What sort of mischief she got into at Gigi’s house…all of those things. I’m also worried that if I don’t have as much time with her, what will I do if/when we have another child? I want another baby, most days that is. I don’t quite feel like our family is complete just yet. Am I the only person out there who is in debate with themselves most of the time about the majority of my life? Do other people find difficulty in achieving balance?

Regardless, what I’m aiming for is to at least get my house organized and decluttered, then maybe my mind will follow suit…

Adventures in Fitness and Family

As some of you may know, my little sister–The Princess–just moved back home from college. She’s going to be a first grade teacher and apparently my personal gestapo trainer… Ok that’s a bit harsh, she’s more of a fitness buddy who’s way more fit than me and at one point in the last month or so literally half-pushed me down the road as we were running a 1.75 mile or so run as she’s screaming at me, “Just make it to the mailbox, you can do it” and I’m dying. Especially in GA. In the Summer. When you are in heat reminiscent of hell. When we got back home and she realized that I very well may have almost had a bit of heat stroke, she joined my gym with me (not because she necessarily loves me that much but because there are literally 3 choices near us and it’s the only decent one with classes anyway).

Since then fitness has become a little bit more fun as she started making me take some of the classes they offer alongside her and they are difficult but fun. Except spin class, because apparently some people do that shit for fun but that person is obviously not me. That was the only class I have regretted taking and I think one of the aforementioned crazy people can have that class.

Beyond all the talk of running in hell, getting fit and unforgivable spin bike seats, I’m extremely glad to have my sister back home. The Empress even went over to her new room and helped her scrub it down while Lil’ Bit ran in circles in the middle of the floor and helped us catch a lost little lizard. Anyways I wish her luck as she gets ready to start her first year as a teacher of tiny little minds and wish me luck in continuing my fitness journey.

Gym time…or not

Conversation with the Hubs today:

Me: I think I may have to rethink my gym days, Thursday’s are just so late and it’s too damn cold outside to drag Lil Bit out.

Moose: Well what day do you think would be better?

Me: A day where I don’t have to go to the gym and can just play tennis or get skinny watching TV.

Moose: Well I can help with the tennis part on Sunday when it warms up….