Stethoscopes, physics, literature, passports and gurus: my left vs right brain battle

I am constantly thinking about things lately…(i.e. nature of the universe, what do I really want in life, spirituality, etc) and I have brief fleeting thoughts that are conflicting. It doesn’t help (and I sense an eye-roll in the making) that I have found a book to read that is kind of exactly what I needed. And as I stood there at the library staring at it on the return shelving-cart I thought “Do I really have time to read this book? I’ve been thinking about traveling so much lately, will this fuel the fire?” and Eat Pray Love is now in my hands here at work. We just got to India, yes “we”. I’m one of “those” people that can get so consumed in a good book that the rest of the world kind of melts away and it’s not only hard to put the book down but it’s hard to rejoin the real world. What’s even funnier to me is that although my heart longs for other places than those that “Liz” is traveling, the spiritual journey she is on rings a clear bell–an unexpected bell. I, like many others in the world of academia (which I don’t even know if that is an appropriate description of myself), tend to be in a constant internal struggle regarding spirituality/religion. While I was raised with Christianity in the most fire-and-brimstone sense (Thanks South), my logical left brain insists that there is absolutely more to the fact and I would be an ignorant wanker to just wander along with the rest of the “flock” in a church-based religion. But my heart knows something more is out there than meets the eye and it needs to cling to a higher, more omniscient being/power. It in turns insists I’d be remiss to ignore the presence of something I can’t visualize especially when I’ve seen things as a nurse, and even before then, that science can’t explain and sweeps underneath the rug like dust bunnies. After all, I can’t see neutrons, protons and electrons but they’re supposedly there, holding us together, holding the universe together. I wont’ even get into quarks…that’s a subject you can broach with the Moose…a.k.a. my right brained husband.

Chronic over-thinker, worry-wart, realist….that’s me; more so than ever at this time in my life. I jokingly said to one of my FNP preceptors that I had been desperately wanting to paint or make some pottery or something….most likely as a result of my own dusty,cobwebbed encumbered right brain giving a final plea for attention before preparation for my comprehensive final and boards kill it off completely. Is all of this reawakening of spirituality due to this creative part of me that I’ve been suppressing or is it something I am very much needing for my soul. This fast-paced world that we live in now leaves little time for true contemplation on these things. I am caught in the tide of over-achieving and am treading water despite the fact that everyone keeps telling me how soon it will be over (and it is soon). Am I going to come out of my experience a completely changed person? Because I’m not so sure I like this woman I keep catching myself becoming. She looks older than me and she’s kind of an unhappy bitch sometimes. To achieve everything I’ve hoped for am I killing my happy, giggly almost child-like optimistic self? Is this part of aging or just exhaustion and world-weariness. I hope that I’m eventually able to pursue things that I take true pleasure in, that make me feel closer to the universe soon. I am so weary of “doing it all”. Maybe then I can end this quarter-life crisis I feel like I’m having and be more connected to the things I love. Maybe I can give my right brain some deserved attention.


Bad mom vs good nurse?

So you know when you’re one of those nurses who makes a horrible patient because although deep down mentally you’re afraid you have everything, you refuse to go to the office because you don’t want to be a hypochondriac, le invalid imaginaire, psychosomatic disorder patient? Ok well maybe you don’t know because you’re either A) Not a nurse or B) one of the above patients types. Then you take the aforementioned concept into motherhood and try to not be the new-parent, smart nurse but then you didn’t take you’re kid to the doctor because you were sure she just had a cold, but really she was pretty sick and now you feel like an ass a.k.a. crap mom? *suck in deep breath from your long, run-on sentence*

What makes it even worse is everybody looks at you from you’re professional standpoint like WTH didn’t she bring her sick kid to the doctor for some antibiotics? At least that’s what it feels like. And then you’re all like well I thought it was a cold and my crunchy granola graduate school has made me scared of antibiotic overuse and resistance! At least in my head.

Those not in a healthcare profession probably think that it means access to home healthcare and sometimes they’re right, but many times when it comes to your family members all that expensive knowledge goes right out the window.

Does anyone else out there have any “bad mom” stories?

Superstitions Exist for A Reason

I should have known yesterday when I didn’t sleep well during my afternoon “nap” I take before I work a night shift.

I should have known better when I started my evening by almost accidentally pouring my coffee creamer into my salad wrap I was making for lunch.

I ought have realized when the day shift did their “jinxing” comments by saying “well it was a good day, you will have a good night”. Thank you for the gumball popeye.

It was truly a crapfest of crappie nights and I’ve seen some crazy, horrifying, heart-wrenching things (WordPress is telling me crapfest is not a word–it obviously has no experience being a nurse, then again it’s also telling me WordPress is not a word…) More often than not, days like this make you forget why you like, or even love your job and make you want to go quit and work at Walmart or better the library, where it’s quiet.

On top of this, I pretty much haven’t seen Lil’ Bit in 3 days for longer than an hour or two because of work and sleeping for work and Mommy/Daddy date night to go see Santa and when I get home from crapfest my MIL, who watches Lil’ Bit most of the time while I work, has already taken her to go get breakfast. The dam burst is all I can say. I tried to call my baby sister to come over because she’s home from school right now and couldn’t get a hold of her, then I tried my father who is my sage adviser and always seems to say the right thing but again no answer.

So like all festivals (which are synonyms for reasons to drink loads of alcohol) I’ve decided that my crapfest was worthy of a beer-for-breakfast, or some hard Irish cider and an effort at maintaining my sanity by being resourceful and blogging rather than sitting in a corner rocking back and forth crying like I was tempted to do.

Anyway hope your day is better than my night was…



P.S. How about after I published this post WordPress left me this quote :

“A great writer reveals the truth even when he or she does not wish to.” Tom Bissell

Thank you Tom, that made me feel slightly less crazy for publishing this. Slightly.

L&D Antics

RN1: That baby is a 2 month old! A sumo wrestler.

RN2: How big is he?

RN3: He’s 11+lbs

RN2: How overdue was he?

RN1 & 2: He wasn’t.

RN3: Omg really? He looks like he can eat a whole McDonald’s happy meal

RN1: No a big mac

RN2: I think that’s what he’s been eating. He can probably eat a couple.

*Baby farts* All RNs laugh hysterically.

RN3: We are all going to hell….

Just another night on L&D.