I am constantly thinking about things lately…(i.e. nature of the universe, what do I really want in life, spirituality, etc) and I have brief fleeting thoughts that are conflicting. It doesn’t help (and I sense an eye-roll in the making) that I have found a book to read that is kind of exactly what I needed. And as I stood there at the library staring at it on the return shelving-cart I thought “Do I really have time to read this book? I’ve been thinking about traveling so much lately, will this fuel the fire?” and Eat Pray Love is now in my hands here at work. We just got to India, yes “we”. I’m one of “those” people that can get so consumed in a good book that the rest of the world kind of melts away and it’s not only hard to put the book down but it’s hard to rejoin the real world. What’s even funnier to me is that although my heart longs for other places than those that “Liz” is traveling, the spiritual journey she is on rings a clear bell–an unexpected bell. I, like many others in the world of academia (which I don’t even know if that is an appropriate description of myself), tend to be in a constant internal struggle regarding spirituality/religion. While I was raised with Christianity in the most fire-and-brimstone sense (Thanks South), my logical left brain insists that there is absolutely more to the fact and I would be an ignorant wanker to just wander along with the rest of the “flock” in a church-based religion. But my heart knows something more is out there than meets the eye and it needs to cling to a higher, more omniscient being/power. It in turns insists I’d be remiss to ignore the presence of something I can’t visualize especially when I’ve seen things as a nurse, and even before then, that science can’t explain and sweeps underneath the rug like dust bunnies. After all, I can’t see neutrons, protons and electrons but they’re supposedly there, holding us together, holding the universe together. I wont’ even get into quarks…that’s a subject you can broach with the Moose…a.k.a. my right brained husband.
Chronic over-thinker, worry-wart, realist….that’s me; more so than ever at this time in my life. I jokingly said to one of my FNP preceptors that I had been desperately wanting to paint or make some pottery or something….most likely as a result of my own dusty,cobwebbed encumbered right brain giving a final plea for attention before preparation for my comprehensive final and boards kill it off completely. Is all of this reawakening of spirituality due to this creative part of me that I’ve been suppressing or is it something I am very much needing for my soul. This fast-paced world that we live in now leaves little time for true contemplation on these things. I am caught in the tide of over-achieving and am treading water despite the fact that everyone keeps telling me how soon it will be over (and it is soon). Am I going to come out of my experience a completely changed person? Because I’m not so sure I like this woman I keep catching myself becoming. She looks older than me and she’s kind of an unhappy bitch sometimes. To achieve everything I’ve hoped for am I killing my happy, giggly almost child-like optimistic self? Is this part of aging or just exhaustion and world-weariness. I hope that I’m eventually able to pursue things that I take true pleasure in, that make me feel closer to the universe soon. I am so weary of “doing it all”. Maybe then I can end this quarter-life crisis I feel like I’m having and be more connected to the things I love. Maybe I can give my right brain some deserved attention.