Month: December 2012

Shooting, salad, and baking for Santa

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Have I had an awesome day? You betcha! I got to cross something off my bucket list and it was even more awesome than I thought. I realize that guns are a bit of a sensitive issue right now and while I think semi-assault rifles and such are ridiculous, I do believe in learning to take care of and use a gun properly and safely. If you are feeling too sensitive on the issue at the moment please stop reading and wait for another post because this is not meant to offend anyone at all but to record a moment in our lives.

The Moose decided that he wanted us to have a hand gun for safety and that I should learn to use it. There have been some break-ins lately in our area and I think he is worried about his Lil Empress and Lil Bit. I have not wanted one in the house and have fought it for years but some folks we know had their home broken into and everything was stolen including Christmas presents. Well luckily no one was home but nonetheless this kind of lead me to waver on my fight only under the condition that we get a lock box and eventually a Biometrics case. The guy at the store taught me how to take care of it, hold it and some gun safety despite the fact that the store was slammed.

Well yesterday we went out shooting at a range and it was awesome. I was surprised at how well I did. Some bonding time with my two favorite men is something I am rarely able to have with everyone’s busy schedules and it was wonderful. I felt a little Laura Crofty by the time I left.

The rest of the afternoon was spent with the Queen (my mom), Lil Bit and I baking our traditional goodies of which there are always too many. The other funny thing is that by the time we are through I have no desire to look at yet eat any chocolate covered anything.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday. Merry Christmas.

Edit: Sorry about the half-@– finish but I was typing on my phone and apparently unintentionally published this. Also by the time I’d got back around to it, it was Christmas eve so I no longer cared.

Colds, finals, and everyday angels

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Not that research hadn’t already shown that high levels of stress weakens your immune system but at the moment I’m living proof.

The day before finals the cold bug bit me. So glad to have this term over, good grades in both courses, family happy and for the most part healthy. I’m giving myself the next 5 days off before I start working on everything for my trip. The Moose and I wrapped all of our gifts last night and I’m going to enjoy this holiday break after I work the next two days by cooking and hanging out with our families.

I must share the strange but comforting experience I had in the library studying the other day. Now keep in mind I’m not particularly into organized religion but I am spiritual and I do have a personal relationship with God. I was sitting in the library studying for several hours and at some point this older gentleman with a kind face sat down at the table next to mine and started reading his bible with a stack of papers in a manila envelope. We both continued to read for quite a long time not paying each other much attention.

As it drew closer to closing time the gentleman looked up and said, “Ma’am I am not sure what you are studying for but I hope you do well. If you don’t mind, before you leave today I’d like to say a prayer with you.” I thanked him and gave my assent. He began preparing his things to leave before I had finished with what I was reading. He looked up again and said, “If you don’t mind I have to go but I’d really like to pray with you…I wasn’t sure why I came to the library tonight, I usually go to IHOP and read with coffee on this weeknight but for some reason I stopped here. I feel like the Lord wants you to know that everything you’re working so hard for is for a good reason and you’re doing the right thing.  Also whatever you’ve been praying about for the last 7-8 weeks is going to work out and you and your family will have a great holiday season.”

I gave him a smile and thanked him. We said a short prayer together and he left. It was strangely comforting to me considering all the emotional turmoil I have felt with school and, well, everything else that has been happening. As I was packing up my things shortly after he had left, I pulled up the calendar and counted back. Seven weeks ago to that day I had started to worry about a couple of things and I had been praying. I must say I’m still a little weirded out but feel a little relieved despite my initial reaction of being skeptical. It was a strange experience and I didn’t realize how much it had affected me until I was trying to tell my parents when I went to pick up Lil Bit. I started crying and I’m still not sure if it’s because of relief from what he said or because exams were over…or both.

I hope that you and your families have a wonderful holiday season and–regardless of being politically correct or not– Merry Christmas!

P.S. Not saying that I won’t blog between now and then but it’s not as likely due to our busy schedule.

Lil Bit’s Law & Mommy Guilt

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I should be sleeping so that I can be somewhat functional at work tonight but nightshift no longer seems to agree with my system. Apparently my physical being has decided sleeping during the day is something it is not interested in–it would rather lay in bed and let my mind wonder aimlessly about varying topics, most of which seem unpleasant today.

I dropped the Lil Bit of with my sister a little while ago after we brought a ceremonial offering of Chick-fil-a chicken minis breakfast for watching her so the momma can nap before work tonight. What kind of bothers me is that Lil Bit is in the best mood today. She slept so well last night back in her own bed, having had the Daddy put her to sleep, with her Kermit (pronounced en francais “Kermie” a.k.a. a frog WubNub she chews on) and Snow White baby from her first visit to Disney. These are the necessary requirements for a goodnight’s sleep for my Lil Bit and the momma forget them when we went out of town. Shameful momma, shameful tired momma.

But the wonderful night she had led to a wonderful mood which she woke up in and played for a few hours until it was time to leave. This is why I’m awake now. My Lil Bit is is a good mood and I can’t spend the day with her. Lovely, lovely momma’s guilt which I am oh so accustomed with…

Well I’m off to try to get some sleep, one year and counting until I am finished with my NP and will be *hopefully* moving on– to a “normal” schedule job rather than long 12hr shifts. (Lately, these have been turning into 13-14 hr shifts due to the increase in the birth rate in our area, serious folks, you can tell the economy is crappy and that no on can afford to do anything else but…well you know. I said crass in the blog description, not lude).

Nothing Like A Good Hockey Game

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After the hubs didn’t make it to family Christmas I was kind of down in the dumps. It didn’t help that other family members kept bringing up his lack of participation and brief appearance at the baby’s birthday party (another story).

Life has been so busy for us with my consistently chaotic schedule that we have started to have to schedule each other in. My husband is a pretty damn good man, don’t let the thing about the baby’s birthday party sway your opinion about that. The Moose is romantic, handy, tall, unfortunately he is also messy and disorganized. He’s screwed up a few times but he is a good Dad, a great cook and if he were perfect I’d be suspicious that he were gay…or an alien. The almost deal breaker is that he doesn’t love football. He tricked me is all I can say on the subject.

Anyway, my point being that I got to take Lil Bit to her first hockey game. I love ice hockey almost as much as I love football except that I’d rather watch football on TV and hockey in person. My enthusiasm must have rubbed off because a few minutes into the first period my Lil Bit was hollering “Go!! Go!!!”. By the end of the game she was yelling unintelligible baby talk at the players whenever they skated close to the goal on our side of the arena.

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It was magic. And the Moose missed it.

I don’t know why this bothers me so much more than usual right now. I feel like life is so incredibly brief and it’s moments like these that become our memories we cherish the most down the road. I guess I’m one of those people that when something makes me really happy I want to share it–especially with those I care about most. This would be why I’m really bad at keeping birthday/Christmas  presents from the people they are for; I get entirely too excited.

What’s a moment you’ve had with your child that you wish your husband/wife/partner had shared?

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I love this blog and after everything that happened the other day, I still keep looking at Lil’ Bit and being so grateful to have her with me and my heart still hurts for all of the parents who don’t have their babies and even worse that we can’t and probably won’t ever be able to understand…

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I am still awake at 2:17 am Central Standard Time because I am wrapping gifts. Gifts for my dear friends, for my wonderful parents and their equally wonderful spouses, for my amazing in-laws. For my nieces. For my nephews.

And for my daughter. My precious, precious child who is safe, upstairs in her bed.

Oh, thank god— thank fate— thank— whatever you choose, but thank it loudly, and with tears of relief and so much sorrow.

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I cannot get Leonard Cohen’s Anthem out of my head. I remind myself often of that poignant lyric, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” It reminds me to accepts flaws, wounds, and breaks. To embrace the beauty of this life, even when it unfolds so differently than I imagine.

And today, it is just so damn wrong.

There is, yes, a crack.

But there is no light.

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I wish, dear…

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Chronicle 2 of the Overthinker

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I’m so tired of overextending myself but I don’t know how to stop!!!

I am always thinking that “If I can get through this or at least this I’ll be able to relax” but I never do. I always seem to find another commitment that requires attention.

Do all people have this problem or is it just my family of overachievers? My husband and my daughter are the only one’s who are able to make me “stop and smell the roses” or in Lil Bits’s case, much less appealing fragrances.

Sometimes things just catch up with me and I have a meltdown. Today was one of those days headed out of town with Lil’ Bit and my folks because hubby has to work the weekend. Today started off great then went steady downhill. My folks were slowly able to talk me down off of my emotional cliff as work (nurse guilt when you can’t go in when they call and ask), housework, finances from Christmas shopping, finals for school and the future planning of my week and a half that I have to be gone for school away from my baby all snowballed and threatened to push me over.

Why do these moment suddenly get to you? Is it the world events today, the sitting still for a few mins or what?

This is not a sad post

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I actually started working on this a couple of days ago before the tragedies today. So it is entirely unrelated and not devastating like the news right now.

So after the Sunday of Suck, little sister and I took Lil Bit shopping for the remainder of her Christmas (She’s only a year old so she didn’t much notice). It was such a great and busy day. Japanese food, Target and groceries where I spent $113 for $223 worth of food. And mind you, we try to feed Lil’ Bit mostly organic and whole foodstuff.  No unfortunately all that savings did not come from Whole Paycheck Whole Foods as I don’t have one near me (it’s an hr away).

I coupon, but I’m not one of those get-everything-for-free-rearrange-my-house-to-store-it kinda folks. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch an episode of the couponing show on TLC. One episode is enough though, unless you like that sort of thing. Anyway I can highly recommend this site if you are interested.

Life seems much better at the moment, except Elmo is creepy as hell sometimes. Just sayin’.

Superstitions Exist for A Reason

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I should have known yesterday when I didn’t sleep well during my afternoon “nap” I take before I work a night shift.

I should have known better when I started my evening by almost accidentally pouring my coffee creamer into my salad wrap I was making for lunch.

I ought have realized when the day shift did their “jinxing” comments by saying “well it was a good day, you will have a good night”. Thank you for the gumball popeye.

It was truly a crapfest of crappie nights and I’ve seen some crazy, horrifying, heart-wrenching things (WordPress is telling me crapfest is not a word–it obviously has no experience being a nurse, then again it’s also telling me WordPress is not a word…) More often than not, days like this make you forget why you like, or even love your job and make you want to go quit and work at Walmart or better the library, where it’s quiet.

On top of this, I pretty much haven’t seen Lil’ Bit in 3 days for longer than an hour or two because of work and sleeping for work and Mommy/Daddy date night to go see Santa and when I get home from crapfest my MIL, who watches Lil’ Bit most of the time while I work, has already taken her to go get breakfast. The dam burst is all I can say. I tried to call my baby sister to come over because she’s home from school right now and couldn’t get a hold of her, then I tried my father who is my sage adviser and always seems to say the right thing but again no answer.

So like all festivals (which are synonyms for reasons to drink loads of alcohol) I’ve decided that my crapfest was worthy of a beer-for-breakfast, or some hard Irish cider and an effort at maintaining my sanity by being resourceful and blogging rather than sitting in a corner rocking back and forth crying like I was tempted to do.

Anyway hope your day is better than my night was…

 

 

P.S. How about after I published this post WordPress left me this quote :

“A great writer reveals the truth even when he or she does not wish to.” Tom Bissell

Thank you Tom, that made me feel slightly less crazy for publishing this. Slightly.

Worries of A First Time Mom and Chronic Overthinker

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Ever look at your child and think “I made that lovely, beautiful creature and am so absolutely blessed to have her in my life ” and immediately have that thought be replaced by “Oh dear, please don’t let me fuck her up!”

Is it just the relative newness of being a parent or is it the fear we have from remembering the time our parents stepped in it?

For the most part I had a fairly conventional, happy childhood. In fact I remember mostly the good from it.

However I did end up with a broken jaw from an ATV accident at a very young age, I’m sure I ate and drink things I’d rather Lil’ Bit never look at much less put in her mouth. I guess what I’m really getting at is that I’m always wondering how much what I say, do and let her do are going to effect who she grows up to be.

And on a similar note, how much are the you-shouldn’t-let-your-child-do-things-like-that, extreme safety consciousness ideas our generation is  constantly using as a guideline in raising our own children taking away from who they could be? Are we raising wimps or worse, anxiety-ridden homebodies?

I really do wonder if my feeding Lil’ Bit mostly organic food, avoiding the word “no” and trying not to spank her little bottom when she misbehaves are hurting or helping.

What is the point of my pseudo-epiphany? I guess in the end all I can do is follow a constant piece of advice my mother gives me– “follow my heart”.

In the end in the event of worse case scenarios….she’ll have some REALLY good stories to tell….just hopefully not to her shrink.

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